


i tell myself there's only you

by xiuchens



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Childhood Friends, Light Angst, M/M, Romance, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-19
Updated: 2017-08-19
Packaged: 2018-12-17 04:18:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11843787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xiuchens/pseuds/xiuchens
Summary: minseok has trouble with things changing but the one thing that never does is his love for the boy in a yellow raincoat.





	i tell myself there's only you

**Author's Note:**

> for ani

The first month after Jongdae left had Minseok spiralling down a routine of working endless hours on new projects, cleaning his apartment when it was already spotless and then crashing down from exhaustion and sleeping, a never ending cycle that also included drinking what his friends considered an unreasonable amount of alcohol for any human being. He felt tired and at the same time restless, getting himself busy with all sorts of things but also sleeping his weekends away. He felt bored and also boring.

Boring. That's what Chanyeol, Jongdae’s friend from work said one night, when they were all hanging out together.

“Your life is pretty boring”, he spit like it was nothing, “but I guess that's what Jongdae is looking for right now, we all knew he'd settle down eventually”.

Except Jongdae didn't settle and now Minseok had nothing but an empty apartment to come back to.

 

Six months after the (sorta) of break up Minseok’s routine hasn't changed that much. He started a new project at work that demanded even more hours, even less sleep. Alcohol was still a part of his life, but now in moderation. He went back to the gym and also started taking japanese lessons, for business purposes. One night his friend Kyungsoo managed to drag him to a club and a hot guy even hit on him. But while going home Minseok still felt the dread of walking through the park without someone's warm hand to hold his, breath whispering sweet nothings in his ear, the promise of a lifetime together now shattered.

Jongdae never settled before but Minseok thought he could handle it. He didn’t.

 

Christmas came faster than expected and Minseok agreed to spend the holidays with his sister and her family. His nephews wrote him christmas cards and he dressed up as Santa to surprise them with gifts, their smiles as they opened (tore apart) the wrappings made him all fuzzy inside. He might not have the love of his life anymore but he had so much love it was hard not to be genuinely happy.

And then during the afternoon it came. A message he didn't expect. 

from: unknown number  
Merry christmas hyung, I know this is your favorite holiday and I wouldn't forgive myself if I didn't wish you the best today.

from: unknown number  
This is Jongdae by the way

Minseok didn't reply.

 

It all started when he was eight and some new family moved in across the street. There were barely any kids around their neighborhood so when Minseok and his sister spotted a tiny boy, huge smile plastered on his face, wearing a yellow raincoat even though it was the middle of summer and no clouds could be seen, they both decided to befriend him. 

“Hello, we want to let you into our secret club,” his sister, Minkyung, said, as current president of their club. 

“What is your club for?” yellow raincoat boy asked, curiosity getting the best of him.

“Detectives. We're detectives so we investigate any kind of mystery that happens around here,” Minseok explained.

“I like it,” yellow raincoat, whose name was Jongdae, was now known as Mr. Detective Raincoat, joining Mrs. Detective Kim and Mr. Detective David.

“Why do you get an english name?”, Jongdae asked in all seriousness 

“I got it from a football player I saw on tv and thought it was cool.”

Jongdae laughed like it was the funniest thing he ever heard, and the sound of that laugh stuck with Minseok as he grew older and closer to the tiny boy wearing a raincoat. It was his favorite sound in the world.

 

New year’s came along and soon winter was almost over and that meant Minseok’s birthday was just around the corner. It wouldn't be his first without Jongdae, because college took him away from his best friend two years before the younger one could catch up. Even when they weren't together Jongdae always made sure to text, send a gift or just generally let Minseok know he was thinking of him. Once during high school Jongdae was sick for the whole week before Minseok's birthday and still dragged his sick body wrapped in a blanket across the street just to wish his best friend happy birthday.

As the day approached Minseok felt less and less inclined to celebrate his new age, but his best friends Kyungsoo and Jongin persuaded him to go for drinks some time during the week, a small party just so his birthday wouldn't go unnoticed. Jongin had a class to teach on Minseok’s actual birthday date so the three of them decided to go out a day later, and Minseok was thankful because he'd rather spend his day alone.

Not that some other people would let that happen.

“Come on hyung, open the door, I'm not gonna let myself in,” the voice outside his apartment was demanding.

“Sehun, you know my password and the couch is too good, I'm not gonna get up”, Minseok sounded annoyed but he wasn't really.

“I'm never watering your plants anymore hyung. And I'm gonna steal your cat when you're not home. And all your food too. And-” before Sehun could continue with his dangerous threats the door swung open and a very distressed Minseok appeared before him.

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY MINSEOKIE HYUNG,” Sehun said in his most cheerful voice while extending his arms, shoving a cake on Minseok's direction. 

Minseok was stunned for a second because him and Sehun only met a few months earlier and he definitely didn't expect this. He wasn't even sure he had mentioned his birthday to his younger friend. 

“Don't thank me because then it'll get embarrassing and we'll have to hug and I don't feel like dealing with awkwardness today,” Sehun went past Minseok, setting the cake on the table.

“I don't know what to say. But really, thank you Sehun. I swear I won't hug you.”

“Good. Now let's eat this cake,” Sehun said as he went for the kitchen to get a knife. Minseok's cat, Tan, followed him quickly, tangling himself on Sehun’s legs trying to get his attention.

The two (and the cat) settled on the couch to eat cake and watch a movie Sehun picked out of the random ones that were on TV, even though it was Minseok's birthday, enjoying the nice warm early spring night together.

Halfway through the movie someone softly knocked on the door, startling them. Minseok went to get the door, and his knees went weak at the sight in front of him. Kim Jongdae, hair pushed back and a large sweater down to his thighs, as innocent looking as ever, holding a bottle of something Minseok couldn't quite see in the dark exuding from his apartment.

“I'm always here for your birthday, it shouldn't be different now,” he said to a still stunned Minseok. 

His first instinct was to shut the door on Jongdae’s face, but his mind and arms didn't seem to agree that that was the correct course of action.

“If you want me to leave I will, but I felt like I had to come here tonight,” Jongdae used his most collected voice and right then Minseok realized the door would always be open for Jongdae no matter how much his brain tried to shut it. “I wouldn't want you to be alone on your birthday.”

“Hyung, who is it? You're missing the movie,” Sehun shouted from the living room.

“Oh,” Jongdae blurted out, “am I interrupting something?”

“I- no, we're just watching a movie,” Minseok said, still confused as to why Kim Jongdae, who was supposed to be deep in the heart of South America, was now standing at his door 10 months after he walked out that same door, seemingly forever. “Sehun and I, we're watching a movie.”

“Do you want me to leave? I don't wanna impose. You have every right to kick me out but I was really hoping we could talk,” Jongdae smiled and the curls of his lips were still as alluring to Minseok as when he realized he was in love with his best friend.

“Stay. We can talk.”

Jongdae carefully stepped inside, trying to take in everything that had changed since the last time he was in that room.

“You got a new dinner table,” was all he managed to say before Sehun whipped his head in their direction, mouth already opening.

“Who is that?” he asked dryly.

“I am Kim Jongdae and who are you?”

“Oh Sehun,” was all he said before turning his head back to the TV.

Minseok chuckled and headed for the couch sitting awkwardly in the middle, and Jongdae followed him, all the while watching this Oh Sehun guy who, for some reason, had a cat in his lap. The rest of movie went by silently, Minseok shuffling in his seat every 30 seconds, trying his best not to touch Jongdae inadvertently. When the credits started rolling Minseok quickly jumped to his feet and turned on the lights, as if that would dissipate the tension.

“It's getting kinda late…,” he said, trying to bait everyone out of his apartment.

“Yeah kid, you should go, it'll be dangerous to drive alone or get a cab at this hour,” Jongdae said to Sehun who simply threw his head back, laughing.

“It's fine, I live here”, he barked back.

“You live...here?” Jongdae was confused because the apartment only had one bedroom and how could Minseok get a roommate and oh- he turned to Minseok, clear hurt in his eyes “I didn't expect you to be seriously dating someone. Not with how we left things.”

“I live here. In this building. Calm down Romeo,” Sehun grabbed Tan before making his way to the door. “The kid is sleeping over tonight, you two clearly have a lot to talk about. Goodnight Minseok hyung, we're still set for breakfast on saturday, right?”

“Yeah, yeah, Sehun. Thank you again for the cake, I don't know how you knew it was my birthday but I'm glad you did. And thanks for taking care of Tan tonight,” Minseok rubbed the cat's fur, making him purr in response. “Behave at Sehun's house!” he enthusiastically said to his pet, making Jongdae smile a little at the display of affection for the small animal.

Sehun left after saying “good night Kim Jongdae,” in his most snarky voice, leaving the two other men alone, credits still rolling on the TV screen.

“Listen, I'm sorry for showing up today out of nowhere and-”

“Jongdae,” Minseok spoke in a soft voice, making the other shut up immediately. “I need you to listen to me. I’m angry. Not at you or myself, but at the both of us. I felt numb for months after you left and then I started to pretend I was fine but I'm not fine. I got a cat, you just met him, and he's been keeping me company because he's a really good cat. I went out a few times, I immersed myself in new projects at work, I went back to the gym. And then you come knocking on my door today, out of all days, and I got angry. I wanted to slam that door on your face after screaming at you.”

“Why didn't you?”

“Pretend this is me yelling at you. I could never do it for real mostly because I respect the people in this building, but in my head I am. I am also screaming at myself. Really loud.” Jongdae chuckled for a bit at how even in the most confusing moments Minseok was always so himself.

“I would feel better if you yelled at me,” is what he went with.

“Well, tough luck, I am not yelling at you even if you deserve it. What are you truly doing here Jongdae?” His voice was still soft and that scared Jongdae more than anything else in the world. It meant Minseok was truly hurt and angry and only someone who knew him like Jongdae did would notice this.

“You never told me to stay,” Jongdae sat on the couch, supporting his elbows on his knees, head staring straight ahead at the TV screen. “You said I should go and I was a coward and went away. I’m not blaming this on you, because I know it’s my fault. But you’re the one who broke up with me and told me to go, and for a while I really thought that was what we both wanted.”

Minseok made his way to the couch, carefully sitting with as much space from Jongdae as he possibly could. He grabbed the remote, long forgotten between cushions and turned the TV off.

“Stay the night,” he said in a small, small voice, Jongdae wondering if he was hearing things. “If you want to, or can, that is. I don't want to argue on my birthday and we're not gonna get anywhere like this. Stay the night and we'll talk about it tomorrow.”

“I can stay,” Jongdae said, reaching for Minseok's hand like he'd done many times before. The older man allowed their fingers to brush slightly, before retreating his arm.

 

He was twenty when things started making sense in his life, pieces of a puzzle he never knew he was trying to put together finally starting to look like a picture. A beautiful picture.

College was fun for the first two years and Minseok allowed himself to get immersed in the whole experience, whether going to parties and meeting new people, cramming for tests during the night or just by drinking more coffee and energy drinks than anybody could possibly handle, trying to not sleep through morning classes. 

By the end of his second year something he was not so secretly praying would happen finally did: after graduating high school Jongdae got accepted in the same university as him, albeit in a different department. For two years it was all Jongdae could talk about, ever since he first visited Minseok on campus, when he spent the whole day complaining about how very soon he would be forgotten in favour of Minseok's new college friends. 

“I'll just have to study hard and apply here so you won't forget about me,” he said jokingly before adding that the school had a great Archeology department, so really, it was a future career decision and nothing to do with Minseok.

But then two years went by in a flash and now Jongdae was really coming to the same place as him and all the feelings Minseok had pushed to the back of his mind were now coming back, stronger than ever. He loved Jongdae as long as he could remember. As a friend first and foremost, but somewhere along their teen years also as something more. Something he never had the courage to act on because Jongdae was both the most simple person you could ever hope to meet, and at the same time the most complicated thing that ever happened in Minseok's life. He toyed with the lines of their friendship, pulling Minseok closer with his words and crazy amount of skinship and then pushing him away when everything got too real. It was crazy how Minseok was so set in his ways but when it came to Jongdae he just allowed himself to be played like that. Jongdae, who never promised him anything. Jongdae, the one person he would give the world to.

It shouldn't come as a surprise that Jongdae confessed to him first, as the younger was always louder about everything, even when it came to voicing out his feelings. But Minseok was still surprised that it happened right after they had spent a whole summer together, as friends, just a week before Jongdae’s first term in the same university as him.

There wasn't a big gesture or moment, they were just watching an old movie in an old tv in Minseok's parents basement. Jongdae was drapped to his side, eyes focused on the screen.

“I was trying to find the right time to say this but now is as good as ever,” the younger boy started, “I waited two years to say this. Or maybe more, considering how long I've liked you.” 

Minseok's ear perked at the last part. He didn't dare say anything that would interrupt Jongdae.

“The last two years were hell without you around. I kept thinking you were out there having fun, kissing really hot college guys and I would soon be just the memory of childhood summers and detective clubs.”

Jongdae reached for Minseok's hand, lacing their fingers together.

“I'm throwing myself out there in the off chance that you feel the same about me. I want to go to college with you, hold your hand in between classes, have study dates in the library and kiss you when you feel tired. It's okay if you don't feel the same, at least I'll have the chance to prepare myself to watch you go around with that sexy college boyfriend you deserve. I know we've been friends forever and I never really told you anything like that before but I thought it was unfair to both of us when the prospect of you leaving for college kept getting more and more real. You deserved to go and have fun without a childish high schooler to think about.”

Minseok simply kissed the top of Jongdae’s head affectionately before calling him an idiot for taking so long.

“So this means I can be your sexy college boyfriend?”, Jongdae asked and this time Minseok kissed right on the lips, effectively shutting him up.

 

 

“Did you get any sleep?”, Jongdae asked when Minseok came out of his bedroom, hair dishevelled and dark circles around his eyes.

“Good morning,” he offered while Jongdae got up from the couch where he'd slept. “Are you hungry? There's still birthday cake.”

“I'm fine.”

The tone of normalcy was harder for Jongdae to deal with than if Minseok had thrown him out or screamed at his face. He didn't know what to expect.

“I didn't want to break things off,” Minseok starts, awkwardly standing near the dining table. “I did what I thought you wanted but clearly we were both wrong in assuming stuff.”

“So what do we do now?” Jongdae asks tentatively.

“I really don't know. I'm still here. You still live halfway across the world as far as I know. I love you with all my being. And I'm guessing you do too, if you felt the need to drag your ass all the way here for my birthday. That is why you came, right?”

Jongdae can only nod in agreement, stepping closer and closer to the man standing across from him, before reaching a hand to touch Minseok’s face tenderly.

“At what point in our relationship did we stop communicating?” the older man asks while letting his once upon a time boyfriend envelop him in a hug.

“I guess after so long we just presumed we could read each other's minds when we can't”, Jongdae says, letting the closeness warm him. “We'll be okay, right?”

He goes for a kiss and Minseok lets him.

They spend two whole days together, just talking and doing regular stuff, like they always did. 

 

 

Kyungsoo calls him two, three times a day and makes Minseok feel like a child who can't take care of himself. He knows he's a mess, but that's exactly what he needs to be when it's only been two weeks since he told Jongdae to grab his stuff and just leave for his dream job if that's what he wanted so much. 

(It wasn't but Jongdae did it anyway. He wanted to stay, but the way Minseok had barked those words like him leaving meant nothing hurt a lot more than he cared to admit. Minseok never asked him to stay. He never asked Minseok to go with him.)

He took another sip of his wine, directly from the bottle because there was no point in even getting glasses when he was gonna finish the whole bottle anyway, the best way to put himself to sleep that didn't involve crying.

“I'm so stupid,” he says loud, to himself. “Stupid, stupid, stupid.”

There are three soft knocks on his door and he groans at it, knowing it's probably one of his friends checking up on him. Jongin, most likely, since Kyungsoo already came yesterday. When he opens the door some unknown face appears in front of him.

“I'm sorry for disturbing you but I'm new to the building and the neighborhood and I was wondering if you knew the way to the closest convenience store. I would google it but my internet is not set up yet, and either way my phone died an hour ago and I have no idea in which box my charger is. Sorry about rambling, I'm Sehun. Oh Sehun.”

Minseok is taken aback by all those words because after almost a whole bottle of wine a lot of what the boy in front of him just said makes no sense. 

“There's a convenience store two blocks down, take a left when you leave the building.”

“Thank you,” the younger man with bleached hair says when they both hear the elevator door opening on their floor. Out walks Jongin, as Minseok expected to happen. He has two boxes of pizza in his hands and is holding bag that Minseok can assume has some kind of carbonated drink inside. 

“Oh, Minseok hyung! I didn't know you had company. Hello, I'm Kim Jongin,” he tries to extend a hand to the man standing at his friend's doorstep until he remembers the pizzas and laughs awkwardly at himself. “I bought pizza, clearly. We should step inside and eat it soon, it's still warm.”

Sehun is pushed inside by two boxes of pizzas and Minseok doesn't even have the energy to tell Jongin that he doesn't even know the other guy. To their luck it turns out Sehun is a great person, who wants to work with interior design and loves pets, things that make him likeable in Minseok and Jongin’s eyes. They genuinely have fun listening to Jongin's stories about the old couples he teaches ballroom dance to.

(Sehun tells him a month later that he has a crush on Jongin since that night, and Minseok is not even surprised because Sehun never even tried to hide how enamoured he was)

 

 

Drunk Jongdae is the worst to deal with, Minseok finds out after a crazy college party he didn't even attend. It's not that he turns violent or irrational, quite the opposite. His phone rings at 4:15am and Jongdae is begging him to come and pick him up all the way across campus. For a second he considers going back to sleep because Jongdae can handle himself. Not even 30 seconds later he's making his way down his dorm building stairs. When he saw Jongdae's name lit up on his phone screen he already knew he was done with sleeping, and when Jongdae used his best cute act to say his name he knew he was done for life. There was nothing he wouldn't do for him.

He finds out drunk whiny clingy Jongdae is even harder to shake off than regular whiny clingy Jongdae, and after Minseok manages to drag his inebriated boyfriend back to the younger’s dorm he somehow finds himself trapped on Jongdae’s bed, under the weight of his drunk figure. Minseok knows he wouldn't mind staying there all night, running his hands through his lover's hair in a soothing motion. The next day Jongdae apologizes for being so immature with his drinking and Minseok just laughs at him, saying that at least he was a cute drunk, to which Jongdae blushed. 

Minseok loved him so much and only hoped Jongdae felt the same.

 

A month had passed after Minseok’s birthday and he was close to being himself again, enjoying a lazy rainy saturday afternoon in bed. No more heavy drinking or crazy work hours, just a peaceful regular routine of going to work, hanging out with his friends (while making sure Jongin and Sehun always got to seat next to each other) and playing with his cat. He was going through the news on his phone when a notification popped up, startling him with the loud noise. Kim Jongdae.

from: jongdae  
mingseoki hyung i just lost a dare and had to text someone and tell them i loved them and you were the first thing on my mind. see you in two months. i miss u and i love u

He smiled at his screen before answering a simple “i love u, have fun”.

Everything would be fine.

 

 

 

“I can't believe you're doing this, abandoning your two children on this very important week” Sehun shakes his head, Tan in his lap seemingly agreeing with it. “But go and have fun, I suppose. Me and Tan will be here freaking out by ourselves over my date with Jongin. Don't get bit by a snake.”

“You're the only snake I know”, Minseok barks back while getting everything thoroughly checked for the third time.

“Fair enough” the youngest says just as the door to Minseok’s apartment flies open and in enter Kyungsoo and Jongin. 

“Are you ready to go?” Kyungsoo asks, car keys in hand.

“I think so, let me check just one more tim-” 

“NO!” Minseok is interrupted by Sehun’s scream, “you already checked your stuff three hundred times. You're good to go. Have a nice trip.”

“Fine, let's go.” Minseok tells Kyungsoo while grabbing his luggage and backpack. “Take good care of my baby, Sehun, if anything happens let me know, I left all phone information on my fridge door, since I already know you're gonna eat all my stuff anyway I thought it would at least be useful to leave important notes there.”

“Tan will be fine, we'll take care of him.” Jongin said, petting the small animal. “Have fun on your trip and send Jongdae hyung my birthday wishes.”

Minseok got a hug from both Sehun and Jongin before leaving to the airport, Kyungsoo gently driving him there.

from: sehun  
what should i wear for my date? Tan is not giving me good feedback

from: sehun  
I know you're not replying to this so have fun in south america and bring us gifts. I mean it, don't come back empty-handed

Minseok snorts, not even dignifying Sehun with an answer.

from: jongdae  
have a safe trip, see you in two days ♡

to: jongdae  
♡

It wasn't fine already but it was close to be.


End file.
